Kaddish

I can't imagine a year harder or more laced with grief than this one. My mom is my primary loss, the most gaping of the holes in my life. I'd rather hear her voice than any other sound. I remember the sheen on the skin on her hands and the sympathy sound she made if I stubbed my toe and her sneeze and her brilliance. Last year, my friend A died of complications from diabetes, and a few months after Mom, my friend J was found dead in her apartment. My uncle died in April. And now my friend D has taken her own life. Sometimes it feels like I can't handle any more, and then it happens again.

This post isn't about me, though. It's about D. She was one of the quirkiest, most infuriating, strongest people I know. Her story is inspiring - too much so to put into words now. She did a lot of hard work and got to a place where she knew herself better as a twenty-something than some people do in a lifetime. I was so proud of her. She shone.

The circumstances of her death are awful, and I don't want to put them here, either. I'm wishing she had sought more help, or that the hell she did seek had left her feeling like more things were possible. I'm crying. I'm watching the rain. I'm remembering her jokes, her style, her wit, her words. I'm sending so much love to her spirit. I'm hoping that she is at peace.